These days I've been thinking a lot... and fearing the future.

I'm scared of what the research data is showing... Scared that I fail to study hard enough for USMLE... Scared of school when it reopens. N it's this feeling of having a head tt's too choked full of information.

But I dont want to give up on my dreams. Not yet... Then again, there's always this nagging feeling inside me tt tells me tt I may regret what I wish for.

A very intelligent girl told me yesterday said tt maybe there are bigger plans 4 me although I was made to cut short my overseas elective... I can see hw tt is true to a certain extent. But I still can't chop down the nearest tree when the forest looks dark and scary.

My dream

I dreamt last night that UCLA replied me... only thing was tt it was a 1word reply tt i cld not mk sense out of.
I didn't realise tt subconsciously I wanna go back there so so badly...
I woke up at 6sth and scrambled to check my email.
I still need clearance from NUS. Sigh.. Damn u.

Wasted away..

I hate staying at home.
Everyone knows that.
I feel my energy draining out of me.
Sigh.. I'm falling into depression.
It's all starting again.

I'm home!

It was a great flight home w 3seats to myself.

I'm speechless beyond words by Asians. I can understand why Singapore loses their citizens to other countries and why ppl'll rather work overseas.

In Japan, they came into the aeroplane in gowns and masks. And they used weird, strangelooking devices to screen us. Then they threw out my small cup of pudding when I got off the plane to TRANSIT in Japan. Freak, it's only pudding. It's 1oz of semi-liquid.

And I knew I was back in Singapore when everyone stood ard the baggage claim, as if their luggage was out, while they watched me pull my 2bags off the counter. Then I struggled to pile my 2bags onto my trolley while the males happily watched me by the side. And this female told her mother to stay away cos I was lifting the luggage clumsily.

I've been trying very hard not to cry or swear at anyone/anything. But this is all very F-ed up. Especially when you given the opportunity to compare how 2 nations react to the same situation. I'm truly embarrassed by my country. But all this has made up my mind. I will take my USMLE.

I'm quarantined. Yay :) No need to attend stupid ridiculous gowning sessions.

Aileen is going home to sunny Singapore

I don't want to get anyone fired.
But I really don't want to go home.
Just when I was settling into things here.
I share the same sentiments as some Singaporean doctors... I'm gonna feel like spitting at the school campus whenever I walk in it in the future.
I don't know whether I should be angry or sad anymore.

Starbucks with facebook and hot chocolate

Tired me in my dorm room, all ready to go to hospital.
I took this pic outside my dorm the helicoptor landed outside my dorm and rushed this patient into the hospital. see the little trailers in the background? my dorm is in a trailer tt looks like tt.
And this is the main hospital building of Harbor-UCLA hospital. Clinics and offices are in the trailers by the side though..
Redondo beach pier in the morning.. still no activity cos it's too early.
The sand and the sea.

Surfers trying to catch the wave. Sorry girls, u cant see their hot bods. they are clad in wetsuits :(
That is Palos Verdes estate in the distance. I wanna live there one day too :) (ok, its super expensive to live there) I ran up there on Saturday. It was breath-taking. I've nv ran anywhere as nice b4. but the hills were crazy. it was a great workout. Lyanna, its worse than macritchie.
These are typical beach houses along Redondo beach. The houses here are expensive too. I was told tt a lot of residents live here. Looks like they earn a reasonable sum of $.
Surfers again! from a higher looking pt.


Fishermen by the pier.

I'm sitting in starbucks now, with wonderful hot chocolate. After Sunday night's call, I slept till noon, ran, went for lecture, early dinner (at5plus 6pm, cos tts how early dinner is served), then headed for starbucks. I updated facebook!

I shall type more when i'm in the hospital. I shd head back to the hospital now, b4 the sun sets :) Will update on my weekend rest day and stuff in the hospital.

I miss singapore's hot weather. i'm freezing over here.

Post call

Its 524am now and i'm postcall. I'm not tt sleepy though. I'm past the sleepy hour.

oh gosh.. i've nv woken up so early in the morning b4. even though the hospital is a stone's throw away from my lodging, i'm awake at 4am in the morning to do a little reading up b4 I head up.

I'm having loads of fun here. The residents here are great... but they are feeding me way too much. There's food at meetings. and we eat remaining food from other subspecialties' meetings. yummy, all the yoghurt, mixed fruits, doughnuts, wraps... and they speak like the americans do on movies.

let's see. Besides ICU, i have been to trauma clinics. I learned how to write in casenotes, remove stiches, see wounds.. then present them to a dr. Again, i saw different stuff. And a lot of them speak spanish! Its strange how they allow u to do more things in a country where medicolegal lawsuits are rife.. I was given the chance to set IA lines too... but the patients here tend to be so obese and sicks tt u just cant palpate a pulse.

I met up w the rest of the med students rotating in Harbor for surgery a few days back. We had a lunch meeting w Dr V. Actually, only 3 of them are rotating in surg in harbor. We went through a trauma scenerio. it was good fun. Some of what we learn in Spore are similar here. But i'm learning other stuff tt the tutors in Spore nv brought up. hmm... anyway there will be more lectures next week.

Anyway, I learned from the doctors tt Harbor-UCLA is a public hospital. Ppl who come here do not have insurance.. so its gonna be unlike CHS over in Westwood UCLA campus. Tt hospital is privatised. I guess tt's always what i wanted to achieve out of doing two postings in two different hospitals. but i nv expected Harbor to be so unlike spore.

My list of conversion of tradename for drugs to generic names is getting longer day by day. I'm learning in a different way here. It's more of learning from the patients here.

Hmm i cant upload pics cos i'm using the SICU computer again. Anyway I haven't been out anywhere. so there are no pics. I've just been running along the streets and walking to Albertsons and RiteAid for groceries. One of the residents told me abt the running route by the beach in Redondo. Sounds nicer. He belongs to a marathon club. but he has been oncall almost everyweekend. so he's missing the meetings.

A little bit abt the USA doctors... In the depart of surg, they go on call every 3days. beat that! and they get a break 1day a week. and i mean everyone in the department, from the consultants (attendings) to the interns. oh gosh, it's so mad over here. but i love it nonetheless.

Things are suppose to happen on Friday nights. but nth has happened so far. the ICU was so quiet, we just adjusted a few meds here and there. and went to the OT to debride an infected wound. The AU nurses here do the anaesthesia for the operation, believe it or not. Anyhow, Dr G said I can join his team on call on Sunday night. Mayb i'll do just that. He's so nice :)

Ok, its time to call home. and grab coffee (maybe) before ward rounds start at 7am. They start an hour later on weekends.

Till then! I think I'll visit the beach this weekend. And maybe head down to Del Amo mall.